Tree Bark Looks Beautiful in the Rain

The consolation is that, though it is raining, I still feel terrible.

I Like George Harrison’s Contributions to the Beatles

The pain killers wore off.  For half an hour I was stuck in that limbo between old drugs and new drugs.  I thought of ripping my left ear off and cauterizing the head hole, to keep it from causing anymore trouble.

I ordered Chinese.  When the delivery boy came, he seemed to enjoy my choice of attire.  (“Uhhh…” he stammered. “You must be cold?”) Knee high black socks, a black tank top and a short pleated plaid skirt.  What?  Those are my sick clothes.  They are my normal clothes.  I’m not about to look like I live in an apartment building in North Dartmouth just because I feel like I do.

Oh, I am worse than usual today.  It’ll pass as soon as this constant ringing does.

I cried a couple of times day.  Friends told me about a show called Intervention on A&E.  I found it on youtube and have watched a few episodes.  I thought I would watch it and get the same sort of sick pleasure that I derive from COPS.  Nah, that shit is sad.  I don’t mean to cry but Jesus.  Not recommended for times when your sinuses are already in a state of failure.

I couldn’t watch the new Office tonight.  I buried my old TV in my storage closet.  No one tell me what happened.

Truro tomorrow.  Montreal again at the end of the month.  I hope I live through the night,

xo

!?

Why is it so fucking hard right now to choose between Chinese food delivery and Lebanese food delivery?

Garlic in My Ears

Today I am working from home.  Today I am missing all of the nice weather.  Yesterday I missed all of the nice weather.  Yesterday I stayed curled up in a little ball, hoping that when I awoke (if I got to sleep at all) my hearing wouldn’t have left me in the form of a gift of blood from my ears to my pillow.

The funny thing about pain, as all of us know, is that your brain cannot accurately recreate its sensation when you are away from it.  Knowing this, and knowing that when I am in pain there is not much else to do, I focus on it and try to internalize it.  I imagine what my life would be, to feel like this forever.  I visualize how I would endure it and by doing so, find it easier to endure in the present.

I experience all of the different types of feelings that occur under the umbrella of pain.  Though my ears were aching, I could feel my jaw, my neck, my teeth, my eyes and my forehead affected.  If I caused myself pain, by biting my lip, the pain would recede from my ear.  If I let up for a moment on my lip, it would return full force.  The dull throb, the sharp jabs, the pulsing, the waves.  It is still fresh in my brain because I am still dealing with it, albeit in a diminished form.

Waiting five hours for pain medication (which I don’t normally take) and not being able to sleep does strange things.  I found myself listening to Ayurvedic advice for draining the lymph nodes and when my friend Jason came over to my rescue, he found me perched on the edge of my bathtub, my feet in scalding hot water and a steaming cloth across my throat.  My eyes were shut to the morning sun and I did not hear him come in. He gasped when I turned around.  Not a pretty sight.  I’m glad he’s a good friend.

Today, I am slow.  The infection spread to both of my ears.  I don’t put much faith in our health care system and prefer not to use antibiotics if I don’t need to so I am using a variety of home care concoctions.  And much can be said for believing in the treatment.  I believe it will work because I believe I don’t want to wait for ten hours in triage.

Tomorrow I will likely feel great.  Tomorrow it’s going to rain.

Input/Output

Things that preoccupy my thoughts: certain boys, girls, clothes, space, music, food, if I am walking funny and my constant struggle with making friends vs. not wanting to leave my house vs. not wanting to invite anyone over because my house is too small.

Certain boys. There are boys that I like and boys that I love.

Girls. How cute they are, how awkward I am around them, why did she give me a funny look?

Clothes. How I have too many but feel I want need to acquire more. How my taste for attire changes on a daily basis. How badly so many people dress and yet how little it ultimately matters.

Space. Fuck, space is awesome.

Music. I need music during all of my waking hours. Sometimes I let the birds outside my window sing for me but if they stop, I feel lost until I press play again.

Food. I need to eat. All the time. You may not believe me because I am small. I’ll provide proof.

If I Am Walking Funny. Pretty sure no one else, ever, thinks about the way they walk more than I do. And it’s not a “am I walking sexily” or “how can I look more alluring?” It’s a consistent need to make sure that I am not walking with my legs bowed or my head down. I either have a form of OCD or a very bad sense of my coordination.

Out vs. In. Come to my house. Invite me out. The first few times I’ll be clambering, in my mind, to get myself out of such a (self-imposed) awkward situation. But after that, we’ll fall madly in love and I’ll bake you cookies.

Krunchy Karma

I have a terrible cold. I haven’t had one in years.

I was also a health-nut for years. Lately, I’ve been mistreating my body.

Granola bean sprout karma says: “Fuck you. You can’t judge people on their lifestyle habits, then make yourself a hypocrite and not expect a penalty.”

I am repenting to the heartless hippie health hereafter: I’m eating rice cakes. I’m making my fucking salad dressing from scratch. I’m exercising when I wake up. Because, you demonic macrobiotic fuckers, my aging process does not include a sub-par ass.

Head on over to FoodFight and watch the process:

Everybody:

Come to my house. Eat food.

Bastard Pop

I know why music mash-ups exist.

Because people were happily listening to their own music, on their own computers and navigated to a site that auto-played its own music. It maybe took them awhile to find the offending alien music to turn it off. In the thirty or so seconds of hearing two seemingly opposing songs playing, a light went on in their heads. Why not put these things together intentionally???

And now, we have Dolly Parton vs. Choclair

(The real history of mash-ups: Wikipedia . But fuck, MySpace band pages are annoying.)

Non-Negative Real Value

Normal :1 + 1 = 2

Me : 1 (√1) + (-1)x(-1) = 2

Months Now

Ever think about something so much that your own thoughts begin to annoy you?